my summary


rest

MOVED :)

irony i know.
bt i wish that school can start soon.
cux my holidays are so boring.
i dunno if i want to work so soon.
bt at the same time i have nthing to do...
wanted to go out.
bt always cant find accompany.
ok. i dun mind doing them alone.
bt sometimes doing with friends will be better.

burnt my pocket.
went face threading and signed a package $280
damn regret.
due to first timer.
my skin gt agitated by the threading.
and maybe due to my sensitive skin
my face now look like sesame.
with rashes like bumps.
it got better today..
bt still alot bumps.

independent!

hmm.
was trying to fill up the past 2 days with meaningful things.
seriously i dun want to waste any day
initially wanted to clear my room after 1 or 2 weeks.
bt due to boredom, i started clearing yesterday.
after clearing. my room looked messy still -.-
though i managed to fill up 2 red bags. hahas.

evening went to tutor the kid.
cux jasmine couldnt make it today.
still considered ok.
bt i missed my 红白喜事
have to wait for online upload.

wondering what im gg to do tml.
maybe go shopping
i want to do threading for my brows and upper lips too!
shall go and do it in these 2 days.

oh yea. and my hair.
wanted to trim it shorter and dye+highlight
bt dilemma leh.
cux when i cut my hair = rebond again
my hair is v interesting.
nv cut can last v long. nice nice.
once cut. the whole head like exploded.
if i dun cut.by the time school reopens i will have damn long hair.
bt again i dun want to spend money on rebonding!
since my hair now is ok.
not v frizzy. just long and abit no shape already.

i want to go beach suntan/relax/see shuaige
i want to go clubbing/pub (finding kakis!!!)
i want to work
i want to exercise
i want to go swimming
i want to learn some courses
i want retail therapy
i want meet up and tiangai with my friends
i want to 保养 my face
i want to wander outside
i want my everyday to be meaningful

-------------------------------------------

hmm.
feels envy to see friends in pairs.
bt at the same time
im happy with my single life now.
life is full of dilemmas isnt it.
LOL

yoz people!
exams are finally over.
i shant complain abt the papers and my performance.
enjoy the holidays!

first day of my long awaited holidays.
i stayed at home the whole day.
making accessories
and watching dramas online
finished watching <学警狙击>
very nice!
吴卓曦 is so handsome can..^^
bt sad that Laughing died. he was an undercover for 9 years!
bt overall the drama is nice.

yea lo.
these are the two things that i did.
dunno what im gg to do tml.
still in the mids of finding a job.
shall go swimming tml?
hahas.
feel free to ask me out people! Day/Night all okie! ahahs

feel like changing my blog.
maybe to wordpress or what.

my first paper-psychology was quite....no good, not bad
it would be better if i realli follow my instincts to answers them
and read the instruction page before i start to do the paper!!!
left abt 15 blanks for the MCQ sections. out of 100 questions -.-
due to my carelessness.
alrite. it's over already.
im not realli sad abt it.
jux feel that i could have done better.
and find myself v dumb.. sigh..

after psy paper, i felt like as though it was my last paper.
totally no motivation to revise my remaining FOUR modules.
everybody seem to be finishing their sem exams except me..
double sigh...

hmm. due to lack of planning
me pig and butt more or less decided to abort the overseas trip.
and change it to a chalet instead.
triple sigh...
dun get me wrong! im sighing not cux i dowan the chalet..
as long as i can see my frens. im happy ^^
bt i also wish that i could go overseas during the holiday!
my taiwan...
had been tinking abt it since mths ago..
hmm...shall wait for the guy's ORD.. then we go together k!

was reading jasmine's blog just now.
and i realise i gt a pending problem yet to be solved.
tutoring of the hyperactive boy!
hahahs.
jasmine dun worry, if u dowan to continue
i tink i can take over after my exams.
or tell the mum.
im also still considering whether to take up this assignment.
cux tutoring the boy is a pain...
and tinking abit it got me abit moody already.
but i have not gotten myself a job.
if no job.......then i tink i will take up this assignment.
for money sake. LOL.
if u are keen in long term tutoring.
can give me a call or tag. $17/hr

i aim to finish revising until end of plants today!
and tml animals.
then monday 9am exam.

woah.
long din update already...
cux busy mugging for exams..

i have approx 12 days to study for my 5 modules.
which actually i tink it's more than enuf..
bt nevertheless, i study everyday..
i will tend to study the modules repeatedly, which is realli....boring!
bt i dun want to waste the time u see...
hopefully all these efforts will pay off..

psychology is gg to kill me..
the contents are realli hard to memorise...
>500 pages to read and memorise.. ohmytianz.
even if i managed to memorise them in a day
the next day 50% will be forgotten..
content overload.

ive also been having insomnia for the past few days..
went to sleep at 0030
and until 0200 im still wide awake. =.=
although im like yawning and feeling tired.
feel that the internal energy in my body is decreasing..
arghh..
realli hope this exam period will pass quickly..
and i can have my long awaited holidays!
ive been thinking what i want to do during the holidays.
hopefully some meaningful stuffs
like learning dress making, knitting, make-up?
doing some voluntary work?
overseas!!!
and of cux finding a job...

hopefully i can find a job quick.
unlike last year.
after Alvls i rot at home for like.. 5-6mths?
not i dun want to.. bt i cant find a job..
hahas.

==============================

从前的那一份感觉似乎慢慢淡了。
或许暗示着一切将结束。
不后悔，不可惜。
放下了，继续往前走。

:))

another week has passed.
like so fast?
2 more weeks to endure before reading week!

Went Sakura for dinner last Friday.
with 11 other peepx.
qingyuan was like gorging down the food to make his money worth.
in the end he felt so bloated..lol
i would say the food are not that nice too.
the new oyster mee sua was quite disappointing.
it doesnt taste like oyster mee sua at all -.-
but still i enjoyed the dinner!
with all the jokes and laughing... hahas!

initally wanted to go swimming.
bt it was called off last min.
and after Friday, the weather was like not so good.
raining and raining.
next week bah! Jurong SC yea?

There is a LSM1104 CA2 test on Tuesday.
feel kinda nervous. more or less revised my work already.
50 MCQ in 50 min..
and i gt a hunch that the lecturer's questions are not v straight forward.
but nevertheless, i tink he is really a good lecturer :))
really good if i can have this kind of lecturers every semester. hahas

i dunno y
since yesterday, my gastric area has been feeling uncomfortable.
feel pain when i breathe deeply.
i dun tink it is gastric. bt i dunno wad cause the pain either.
the feeling was quite irritating.
cux i cnt breathe deeply..
got to like control my breathing so that i wont feel the pain =.=
anyone knows what problem this is?

oh yea.
we were chatting that day and i got to know that many teachers gt married.
and even have kids!
Mr Lee and Ms Loh
Mr Burton Row and Ms Nah
Ms Low Peiyun
Ms Cherry Chan
and even Mr Deroza?
all have kids already.
I saw Mr Lee's facebook.
their daughter is so cute!

really happy for them =)
and i realised that many years have passed.
since Secondary 1...
it would be like more than 7 years already?
in another 7 years. i tink it will be our turn.. hahas!

Im so bored now.
feel like taking a break from my revisions..
damn 'gastric'

ewww. another week has passed.
which means im a week nearer to end of my exams..
and tadang! my holidays =)

this week has been considered slack..
NO
Tuesday's psychology tutorial
Thursday's morning Chinese tutorial
and Fridays Bio Lab!
But still, i used most of the time studying.
although i realised i start to slack abit..
like using comp to facebook and watch Korean drama. =X
nevertheless, i managed to complete the revisions i aimed to complete this week.
bt i dunno if they are nailed into my head. LOL
Hopefully!

Next week will be the "Sianned week"
Having Tuesday psychology tutorial and Thursday's Chinese Tutorial at 8am!
Luckily there's Good Friday.. no need go sch on friday =)
Chinese tutorial killed alot of my brain cells.
The questions are not difficult, bt i dunno how to do =X
damn vexed about it..
luckily i still have until thursday to complete it..

Im damn bored at home..
not bored with nthing to do.. bt bored with studying..
study study study.
and there seemed to be nothing else im interested in doing other than studying.
i dun mean im interested in studying.. bt im forced to.. LOL

alrite. i shall go for a run later in the evening.

Moday tml..
10am-8pm.. Boooo...

wah piang.
feeling damn moody now..
i dunno how to tell myself to relax man..

had dinner with eugene, yl, qx and ks ytd.
wanted to join them for post dinner activity.
bt i was too bothered and weigh down by my revisions and work..
so i went home after dinner.
seriously no mood to do anything besides studying.
Sorry.

working is piling.
revision is never ending.
u cleared this week.. next week is grinning at you already..
and i feel damn moody when i tink of the 'next week'.
psychology is taking up alot of my time.
spent almost 2 days in duration to read 2 of the chapers=80+ pages of textbook.
excluding the time use to remember them k...
i see my textbooks i feel damn sian.

i wan to take a break.
bt once i stop. i feel guilty. i feel like im wasting my time away
while others are busy studying.
hahas. u must have find me v over rite.
even this also wan to compare. bt yea. i cant help it.
=(

i dunno what i shld do.....

feels lonely.

Happy Birthday!

To my Brother!

and Jinghan!

:))

4 more weeks.
and 15 more school days..
sounds fast.. bt i tink it's still hell for the next 4 weeks.
im realli looking forward to holidays!

*shake head*
studying is like never ending..
every week has new stuffs to learn and memorise.
especially psychology! damn content heavy..
i spent the whole afternoon--- like 3-6 reading 20+ pages of the textbook.
and each chapter gt abt 40 pages.
and there are 14 chapters in the whole textbook if im not wrong..
sighs.

even if im not gg sch today..
it feels like im attending lecture/tutorial at home =.=
seriously sianned..
my uni fren asked my y me msn nick are all so emo..
hahahs.
i jux told him.. 'cux im an emo freak'
i dunno how to answer this question seriously..
school and life just make me v sad and emo everyday..

Wx's bd celebration has been postponed. date to to confirmed
means my Sat will be used for studying again! hahas.
i dunno y..
im getting more tired easily nowadays.
for the past 5-7 weeks.
i slept 7-8 hrs a day and feel v energised when i wake up..
now im like zombie even when i sleep for 8 hrs..
efficiency declining.. Aduahi! (malay word for 'oh my')
LOL.

prays that everything goes smoothly.

i miss many thingsss...
many many.

hello everyone.

shall blog awhile before i go back to study.
gotten back my psychology results ytd.
glad that my hardwork paid off :)
bt i wasnt feeling tooooooo happy either.
though u said that i should be!
im juz..relieved and glad bah.
mayb i was afraid that this sense of 'happiness' or achievement will soon be gone.
afraid that when u gain something now, u will lose something soon.
so i rather not feel so happy now than to feel miserable when i lose it later.

when one has faced too much 'failures'
and finally gotten some small achievement one fine day..
u will tend to doubt if that's what u deserved.
whether that's realli what u have exchanged purely with ur hardwork.
not purely luck or pity from god and angels.
i tot my confidence would be back after getting a decent result.
bt weird, it doesnt realli boost much of my confidence.
jux feel that i should not feel complacent, and keep up with the revision to get good results for finals.

hahha. am i making things too complicated?
or like what you've said, just be purely happy that u did well.

juz doesnt feel confident enough.

oh yea. malay skit rehearsal wasnt v smooth.
got to rehearse more bah...
hate doing projects and performance!

hmm..
i realised some people are really... i don't know..
they have too high expectations until i find it v scary bah.

i made this new guy fren from my course.
he and his bro are twins and they are in the same course.
we were chatting on fb ytd regarding results..
so i told him i am v stressful abt school and results cux i din do very well.
at the same time he said he din do v well too..
so we were like complaining abt pressures and how school sucks.
and i was like..ok..... at least someone is in the same plight as me...

BUT... after quite a long tok.
i asked him how much did he actually got..
he said he got... 4.3/5
he was unhappy becux he expected higher and his bro got 4.7....
immediately i gave a diaoz face in front of the comp screen.
my first thought was wtf.. tok so long and now u tell me 4.3 u not happy.
totally sianned.
im not saying he cant be unhappy abt his results la..
bt 4.3 u tell me is bad i couldnt accept it...
i dunno.. u can say i petty or wad..
bt i jux couldnt take this kind of things la..

for me..
i just hope i can graduate with a second class honours..
i dun aim for first class.. i dun aim for masters.
i just hope to get a decent and safe cert for future.
bt it seems so hard.
and yet other pple who got it are not happy...
everything boils down to expectations i guess....

i realli need to learn to be satisfied...
bt not to the extend that even if i fail my exams im still indifferent those kind.
just dun expect too high or too much...


==========================

hmm. schoolwork.
sad to say.. i have a malay skit presentation on next next monday.
i realli hate to do presentations and skit la...
super marks puller for pple like me
to me.. the script we wrote were not v good.
messy.. and short...
the skit by right shld bt 10 min.. bt until now.. it's only 5 min?
and everyone seemed to be not anxious abt it except me..
haven even rehearse... haven even finalise.
i realli hate this kind of feeling... to leave things hanging there and chiong to finish it during the last minute.

and im starting to feel tired easily.
and slacky....
also experienced proactive and retroactive interference..
which means old info prevents the learning of new info.
and new info which prevents the retrieving of old info from the brain.
this is one of the 7 sins of memory..Transience.
those who studied psychology will know...
and when i know im starting to be less efficient in learning and remembering.
i start to feel scared and insecure..
and im v afraid that that emo me will be back...

6 more weeks to end of exams..
to leaving hell temporary..
faster faster... 6 weeks is like... so long..
sad.

hahas
shall blog abit before i start my mugging.
feel not so motivated after all the CAs are over.
maybe cux im tired bah...
bt i want to maintain that level of motivation..

i dunno what to say abt the psychology test on Monday.
i tink i did ok? wasnt very satisfied with my performance though.
bt at the same i tikamed and tried my luck for quite a number of questions.
so due to the negative marking..
i dunno what final mark i can get.

was chatting with Pow on msn jux now.
was talking to her abt my motivation decline.. and my thought about results.
amazingly.. she used principles of economics to explain some of the ideas.
and i was kinda enlightened by what she said.
indeed. different pple has different ability.
even if u put in the same amount of effort, or even more..
u might not surpass him or her.. cux of the innate ability, not aquired ability.
she quoted from our GP tutor (which i dun rmb):
"if everyone is equally smart den our meritocratic system will fail"
hahahs. quite true isnt it?

i wan to feel happier.

sometimes it would be good to shut off ursef from the world.
dun bother about what others are doing
dun compare ur progress with them..
jux minding ur own business.
easy to speak.. bt i find it so hard to attain..

i tot i was already v hardworking..
bt now i realised it's considered normal.
the new lsm1104 lecturer was a good lecturer..
i like him very much
he focus more abt real learning rather than knowing and memorising ^^
and from the Q and A file he sent to us..
i was v surprised that in few days..
he compiled 11 pages worth of questions from students..
so i guess it shows how hardworking students are in my course.

these few days have been studying for my psychology test on moday.
100 MCQ in 1hr. plus negative marking.
though i feel like i have mastered most of the content
i have a hunch that my results will be the same again.
im jux inconfident of myself la.
maybe my ability is just that limited. never be able to surpass others.
i feel tired again.
and i guess im falling sick soon.
headache is more frequent that usual.
i realli look forward to MAY.
when i can realli let my hairs down for quite awhile to recharge and relax.

==================================

was initially v happy to be able to dinner with u ytd.
bt i guess in the end i made the atmostphere and mood heavy again..
i dun know y i am acting or feeling like this...
maybe my emotions and mind are entangled badly.
i feel like a retard or crazy woman.
to have such weird and loser feelings..
i know it made u feel upset. im sorry.

MOVE ON.
seriously i din tink about this until u told me.
i dunno if i shld.
put down everything.
and move on with my life.
or jux remain stagnant as it is now...
will there be a difference?

EWWW..
i dunno is it considered fast or slow.
1 week holiday/reading week just ended.. like this.

-went bai nian
-gathering with friends
-watched movies
-sent shaun and addison off
-studied (SLOGGED most of the days..)

felt that i did not enjoy my holidays enough.. or rather rest enough..
im like mugging all the time when im at home..
i feel tired.
i dunno if im making things too harsh and stressful for myself.
sometimes i realli dunno how to 'be gentle to self' - my counsellor told me to remember.

yea. that's all that i can tink of.
hmm. the day before i went practice driving with dad again..
again.. another round of scoldings...
i made a right turn without stepping on the brakes
i failed to keep within my lane
i made wide turns
i was not observant enough about the road conditions and traffic lights
hahas. maybe dad was right.
i passed because of luck.
alrite. slowly brush up the skills bah..
dad said next practice will try expressway....

v reluctant to go school la.i rather rot at home than to go school..
my one week holiday...
results for lsm 1104 was out...
i gt a B grade. highest grade was A-
i dunno if it is considered good or wad...
may too eager to succeed after the fall last sem..
i dun seem to be very happy when i saw 'B'
but at least im at the average.. 再接再厉 bah!

oh yea.
something v pissing.
i received my phone bill ytd
and to my horror.
3 days of GPRS cost 177 dollars! excluding my plan and call charges.
cux i canceled my GPRS 3 days after i bought my phone
so for that 3 days. the gprs was 177 dollars, near 35MB worth of data.
i called the cust svc to clarify about the bill.
and they are only willing to waive half the charges.
bt i find it v unreasonable.
cux the GPRS are activated sometimes even when we are using wireless.
i dun see the reason to pay for a service which im unconsciously using it.
eugene asked me to scold the staffs.
cux his frens did the same thing and his bill was waived fully.
bt im not good at arguing la..
i ended up getting threatened instead.
then i jux relented with the terms la.
bt i was v angry la. like pay 88 dollars for nthing.
the staffs are v rude also..
so i sent a feedback to singtel and complain.
if i dun get a reply im gg to spam them with many more complains.

==============================

i dunno if i shld use the last day studying.
or shld i use this day to relax and prepare myself for hell.
Oh yea. i actually planned to go clubbing during this week.
bt end up didnt go again..
shaun said wan bring me go Timbre.
in the end we also din go.. and he is back in Brunei liao..
haahsh.

I MUST GO CLUBBING ONE DAY.
PUB also can la..hahahas

YoZ!
Happy New Year everyone!

This year cny is damn sian.
had an argument with dad on eve.
and argument with sis on Chu1.
we only visited 2 places - grandma and great grandma's house
then the rest of the day is rot at home...
i prefer rotting at home la.

chu 2 had e2 gathering.
not alot of pple turned up. cux it's chu2
some of the pple got to bainian.
while the others are not free.
me and yl felt abit bad towards yongrui cux we din tell him that his brothers were not coming.
so i guess he was kinda sianned and bored.
hahahs.
But anw.. hope everyone enjoyed the lunch tgt!

after lunch we went shaun's house to gamble.
played blackjack.
and i lose like 4-5 dollars in total?
i admit i sucks at being banker =.=
then before going back we took group photos at the fitness corner tgt.
the photos are nice!

hahaha.
i din know today is tuesday already. thought was monday.
spent the whole day writing my 2 page Psychology term paper.
though it's only 2 page.. bt i realli cant squeeze out stuffs to write..
currently i still gt half more page to go...
still gt about 1 week to write..
and yeah.
psychology mid terms on 1st march.
it was postponed 1 week later.. was 22nd initially.
but still i hope to complete all my revision by the end of this week..
cux when sch reopen i still have school work to be busy with...
gonna start soon! if not i will not be able to finish.
the last 2 lectures were damn useless.
and i ponned the last lecture =.=
so until now i still dunno what the last lecture is about

i feel that im online more and more frequent.
got to have more self discipline..

take care everyone!

alrite.
mid terms finally ended.
for the time being.
then last one will be after CNY week...
i tink i did so so for my lsm1104 ytd.
its like 8 qns in 1 hr...
so everyone was like chionging.. including me.
and towards the end i jux crap and write..
cux no time already.
i hope the stuffs that i wrote were relevant =X
after reaching home, i told myself not to tink abt it le...
haiz.

im glad to see the positive comments that my fren left in facebook ^^
happy that u guys like it..
my effort paid off! haahs.
unlike school work...

arghh. 8am lesson tml.
first 8am lessons since school reopen.
good luck to myself -.-

school sucks.

bio test was kinda dumb.
too basic until i cant answer.. cux i forgot! =.=
went to memorise and study the details.
and end up forgetting the basic stuffs.
alrite. it's over.
abit upset.. bt im not gg to brood over it..

Fetch Shaun and Addison at the airport last Friday.
feel v happy to see them again!
had fun and laughter there
took photos and videos.. which are kinda lame and embarrassing. LOL
was kinda tired after tt dumb test.
though it was only 20 min.
seems like after test.. i always have prolonged headaches.
back home i bathe and slpt at 2am +
next morning woke up at 8+ again
to meet addison,ms,yl and eugene for breakfast.

by the time i reached home in the noon.
was damn sleepy.. almost KO state liao..
bt i still studied la.
cux of the coming tests on monday and tue...

hmm.
i feel like ive been slacking more and more.
i tink the momentum is gg downslope liao
maybe cux i chionged too much in the front.
and now im kinda run out of energy to mug.
haiz.
and the worse thing is my mid year test is tml and tue.
and i jux started now.
at the same time blogging
and doing videos
and watching tv.
bt not concentrating on my revision.

Drove my dad's car this morning..
to test out his new car as well as to practice me driving.
din get to drive since i passed.
and all the way my dad was nagging and kping me abt my driving skills.
he said my steering was damn bad.
and i passed bcux i was pure lucky =X
ok la.. i accepted his comments...
maybe im not used to Auto car? hahahs.
at least i manage to park the car after.... 3 or 4 times? LOL

then afternoon my dad asked me to drive again.
yea again...
this time he said to sunplaza..
i was damn scared. cux sunplaza de carpark is those spiral ones.
bt he insisted that i try.
so i drove my dad and mum to sunplaza.
and i was being KP-ed again..
cux i din estimate the distance properly.
and the side of the car almost bua the wall when i turned my car.
my dad 'save' the car instantly by turning back the steering wheel =.=
sianns.

oh yea.
i made a new pair of specs!
i tink it look very like army specs.
hahahs.

tests coming up..
sianns again.

pardon me.
But im feeling moody again..
and sad i guess...

i mixed up the test dates.
tml is not malay test...
the test is next week..
means i chionged my lsm revision ytd for nothing..
cux i wanted to squeeze out sunday for revision.. =((
bt i hope the test is tml instead.
cux i am having my lsm1103 test next friday (5th)
and lsm1104 test next next tue (9th)
so if i have my malay test next next week (8th)
means i gt to chiong 2 revision on this coming weekend..

hmm.
feel that im always not on form...
the whole body wasn't conditioned for school...
im like always confused over the schedule and dates and homeworks.
i almost went to a tutorial lesson 8am in the morning..
when the lesson start only in week 5.. and i dun know it..
always i have to check with my frens..
i tot i knew everything..
i planned everything nicely.
and end up everything was like.. so messy again..
like last min preparation due to mixed up schedules and stuffs.
maybe i need to buy a planner to record all my stuffs bah.
suddenly find myself v useless.
i dun have a life. (like forever sulking)
i dun have good grades (like always)
i have nothing when i come to think of it..
of cux i have friends la.. which was the most precious thing that i have other than my family.

i asked myself what i have achieved during 2009.
i guess it was my A level results, which wasnt tt glorious too..
and i passed my first driving attempt (with 18 demerit points)
that was the only 2 stuffs that i could tink of.
very pathetic right...
indeed they were achievements, but are not extremely good ones.. all boarder line ones.

felt like i wasted my life for the past...4 years?
maybe i was too conservative in doing things.
i cared too much about results.
i was too obsessed with studies.
and i neglected my passion and interests.
i gave up and forgo chances to pursue my interests and happiness.
i regretted the way i lived my life...
bt now i couldnt change the way i live..
cux uni is the last lap for me.. i dun have the courage to risk it.
and thus im stucked to this mundane and sucky life.

how do i continue from here?

yesterday went to yunli's house to do something for both shaun and addison.
planned to finish the work bt 12
bt end up we finished at 2am!!
cux of our slow speed..
and mingsheng was damn picky about the pHotos!
hence we spent alottttt of time picking the photos.
had fun at yunli's house.. though there were only 4 of us.
mingsheng, me, eugene and of cux yunli..
went mac to eat our.... supper cum dinner at 2+...
reached home at around 3+....
and i jux KO and slept.
intended to wake up early and study for tml's 'test'
and end up i dunno what to do now..
since there is no test tml...

i hope to make a change.

Wednesday.. yay..
went ah ma hse this morning.
then to amk cux dad wanted to buy new pants.
bought the casing for my iphone too.
and when i wanted to put the casing on, i realised there was a scratch on my phone already!
on the apple mirror picture behind the phone =(
shld have bought earlier la...cux cant find near my house.
those at singtel are so exp also....
reached home already 2+
and was kinda tired already..
wanted to study. bt feel so slpy..
arghh. like wasted another day again...

first CA coming soon
9th Feb.. essay question.. OMG.
i dunno how to prepare la.
she said is linking question.. lol

im so slpy.. shld i continue to force my self to read the notes?

feel like gathering with my friends and have a hearty talk with them =)
enjoyed the company like i always do... everytime, every second..
i miss my friends.
i miss the days.
i miss E2.
i guess soon bah!
cux shaun and addison is coming back.
and we shall be celebrating the Jan+ Feb babies birthdays!

Happy Birthday YongRui! :))

yay. it's weekend...
bt it doesnt mean slack...few reports and term papers to complete!
argh..shagged and tired.

went to meet the school psychologist cum counsellor on Thursday.
felt that i really need some help in terms of emotional and mind control.
at first i was quite reluctant to meet her face to face.. cux felt abit nervous.
But guess i made the right move to meet her =)
she was a nice lady, who let me cry and complain all i want.
and she provided me with advices and tips for studying.
though what she said were somehow similar to what my parents and friends told me.
But im more convinced when the words came out from her mouth.. Hah!
Indeed i felt better after speaking to her..
bt guess the confidence part has to depend on myself..
in still quite inconfident of the coming school tests and exams..
But overall i felt better and less stress =)

Thanks to all my friends who showed me great concern and patience during this down period.
i will try hard to make myself happier.
cux i realli want to be happy!

Good News!
i finally got a new phone.. iphone! yeah.
the 16GB one cost me..cost my dad 748 dollars...
felt abit bad to let my dad pay the full amount..
at first i suggest myself paying 200 dollars..
bt my dad gt upset for i dunno y.. and said either he pay all or i pay all.
so yea. i let him pay full amount lo..
the buying process was kind of embarrassing and pissed.
cux of my dad's temper and his talk big pattern..
But still im v happy that my Dad bought the phone for me..
i know his reason for buying me this phone..
he wants to cheer me up i guess..
cux i have been v depressed over studies for the past few weeks..
So yea..
thanks daddy :))

alrite. back to my revision.
Chinese kind of sucks.
But i will try to make it interesting.. i hope so..

yay! Shaun and Addison coming back soon!
And Happy Birthday Addison!

im feeling much better now.

a fren of mine told be that her dad had mild depression due to the stressful projects he had during work.
her dad is now okay after seeing a doctor and taking medicine..
and his symptoms were v similar to mine.
wondering if i am suffering from mild depression too?
shld i go and see a doctor?
i discussed with my mum ytd abt seeing a psychiatrist.
she just complained abt the cost and claimed that im ok and it's not necessary.
was kinda upset by her reply...
so i jux kept quiet and went back to my room.

had no school ytd and today.
tutorials have not commenced yet and my Wednesday off day..
din slack much...
have been studying the notes and reference book..
i realli hope my hard work can pay off this semester...

Happy Birthday Shumin and weishun!!
yay. 20 le right! 2 开头了!
when it's my turn.. it means the end of sem2!

hmm. improvement today..din cry..
bt still feeling abit moody.
ytd surfed the net and went to search for lifesci job prospects.
and i ended up crying again.
from what i saw in the forums.
lifescience degree = useless paper.
hard to find jobs. and most pple end up at NIE.
heart sank. once again... i worry for my future...
yea. still long.. 3 years?
i know... bt when u are constantly remind abt the useless paper that u are working hard for.
suddenly i feel unmotivated again.
wonder if i had chose the correct path to life..
and not struggling now for suvival.

realli envy of pple who are graduating soon.
yunli, qixia, weixiong, gene, etc...
i know u guys have ur hard times too..
and also endured 3 years.. maybe enjoyed 3 years?
jux feel happy for u guys that u all are finally gg to be 'released'
congrats!
not like me gg to endure at least 5 or even 7 more semesters.

shld i jux let go of everything?
jux lan lan study my stuffs...and fail or pass jux dun bother...
can go clubbing, go shopping, go slp without any worries.
dun go and care what is gg to happen in the future.
jux make sure im happy now?
i dun wish to see myself sulking too!

went to collect my bags from the seller today.
shopped awhile at AMK hub.
in the boutiques, i looked at myself in the mirror..
and i felt like ive grown 5.549022790 years older.
dry and dark complexion, shagged look. was kinda ugly i guess.
mum said ive grown thinner...
unlike during the 1 mth holiday when i had no worries...
i know my family are worried abt me.
my mum will call me after 2hrs when im out from house.
to make sure i din go commit suicide or do any silly things i guess.
hahahahs.
feel kinda guilty towards them too.
i passed my sorrows and problems to them.
dad spent so much money to send me to university.
and what ive given him is a lousy CAP and cryings abt school..
though he told me that as long as i tried my best it's ok..
bt if din get good results at the end of 3rd or 4th year. i know he will be disappointed too.



hmm.
u are getting further and further from me.
hard to reach u when i need u..
haiz..........

modules this semester is so screwed.
couldnt find a 5th module.
all my modules are memory based this semester.
haiz.
i dunno how im gg to survive leh..
feel like quitting school already...

at first quite happy cux is 3-4 days week.
bt i appeal for a module- foodsci that falls on my off days!
so become 5 days weeks.
so wed, thu and fri 1 lecture each day only...
wasted right. waste time travelling and transport fees.
but bo bian leh...
realli no modules to take already....

i couldnt help feeling stress every minute every second!
i dunno why too!
it's like.. jux the first week? and im already v kanchiong about everything.
guess is cux of previous sem results which made me v inconfident already.
bt i feel angry with myself.
wads with the stress and fast heartbeat that im having now?
exams is still long... why am i so nervous!!!!???
i dun wan to feel nervous. cux i know it will only affect my studies...
bt jiu v involuntarily heart beat v fast.
and feel hot and cold....
arghh.. i hate this feeling...

tt day i had a longggg talk with my parents tt night.
told them abt my studies and how i felt abt school..
cried like a baby in front of them...
my dad told me alot of stories and teach me alot of things.
and i realised that actually my parents din expect alot from me too.
it's me giving myself all the stress again.
after talking. i felt MUCH relieved.
bt dunno leh.
then next day, that feeling is back again. =.=

i wan to feel not so nervous.. HOW...
please..it's jux first week....................................
Loser.

of u dun want to read the same old complains again.
then please exit this window.hahah.
i dun want my complains to affect your emotions and mindsets. ^^
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
School started. again
Year 1. Semester 2.
dreaded. only 1 semester had passed. can u believe it?

Ever since i enter university.
i dun remember myself being happy.
for the past 1 week. i cried at least 3 times.
and had insomnia for the past 1 week or more.
jux involuntarily tinking of the things that im afraid of facing.

ytd i went crying to my mum again.
telling her the pressure that i felt... and how miserable i am now.
i felt v tired and scared.
i know that all the sufferings are caused by my character...
perfectionism, comparisons, and my pessimism..
i know the problem lies with me.. bt i jux cant change for the better.

i want to be happy.
i hope to be happy.
bt whenever i go to school.
i cant be happy.
cux my life jux revolves around stress and uncertainties.
what if i studied hard.
and at the end of the semester i flunked again?
ok i know i shldnt tink of all these when i haven even tried.
bt i jux cant help tinking.. got my point?
i want to stay optismistic. bt my mind jux couldnt.
i know it's wrong. bt i jux continue doing it..

my mum asked me to discussed with my dad about quitting school or what.
cux she said i became more shagged and sad ever since i entered uni.
im was like.. huh? u want me to quit sch?
i dun wish to quit school.
cux i know it will be a decision that i will regret for life.
bt i dunno how to make my school life happier.
join cca? make more friends?
i realli dunno..
bidding of modules already made me feel like crying for dunno how many times already.
CORS bidding realli sucks to the core.
so guys in NS or girls who are potential graduates. tink twice before u want to come to NUS.

this semester im taking 5 modules again.
2 bio core modules.
1 intro to psychology module (memorise the whole textbk!!!)
1 Malay Language Module.
and 1 Chinese module. (when i know they will be alot of China pple taking)

initially i planned to take a physics module to fulfill my faculty requirement.
bt this sem there are only 24 pple taking! as compared to 150+ last semester.
and the class is 8am in the morning.
and plus this module has lab lesson. so i felt kinda unsafe and sianned.
feels like it will be difficult to score when there are so little pple.
i asked many pple for opinion, bt i cant reach a conclusion.
since i have 2 frens taking the chinese modules.
and they kept persuading me to join them.. i agreed.
since i realli have no other modules to take.
cux of clashes, lack of points and availability.
find everything v screwed for me.
nthing seems to go smoothly.

is it realli true?
if u worked hard and tried your best
results dun realli matter.
cux u tried ur best.
if the same things happened to you?
will you really think and tell urself that? will u not be bothered by the results?

argh.. girls cramp.
i needa rest first. bth. =X

Round 2A of bidding ended.
and i think i got none of my bidded modules.
bt i gt frustration and anger.
sat in front of the computer since like 10 o'clock.
and wad u saw was only the bid points of ur bidded modules rising.
300...400...500....
and u gt only 886 points.
and the 868 points was intended to bid 3 modules.
maybe due to my indecisiveness
i entered a low bid point, hoping that i might get it.
now when i tink of it.. i find myself v silly.hahahs
though the results are not out yet
bt i tink i need to get myself ready to appeal when round 3 starts

This is not the kind of life i expected.
flexible curriculum? fun sch life?
they are nothing but all lies!
u dun usually get to study what u want.
and new students like us have to end up studying shit modules.
1 week ago i planned my timetable..
i came up with like more than 5 combination of plans
bt when ive seen today's bidding stats.
i guess non of it is feasible.
i realli hate this. u sit and stare at the computer with nervousness for like >8 hours
and u end up getting nthing.
just because u din entered the wise amount of bid points.
if not the fuck it seniors throw thousands of points to outbid you.
i know everyone goes through this.
but is this fair?
somehow i regretted entering NUS..

ytd i went to look at the school's website.
and i realised im a dumbo.
not knowing that the ranking of your honours depends on ur CAP.
when i saw the information, i felt hot and my heart thumping very fast.
3.5 will only get u a Second Lower honours.
and if u are suay enough to get a 3.49. u get a damn it third class.
suddenly i feel hopeless.
yea i know it's just first semester.
and everyone tells me that can pull up my CAP next semester.
it's true. but is it guaranteed?
wad if i dun do well next semester? and im a goner.
maybe i shldnt aim that high.
just damn it finish this 3 years and say bye.

i realli hope i can be more optismistic..
thats my new year resolution okays. the first on the list.
bt sometimes things like this just made me feel v helpless.
like no one understands what u are going through...
only consoles which are basically not very useful to ease my agony.

this is not the life that i wanted.
not the life i expected.
i dunno what to do.
i could not quit school
i could not do well
im constantly stucked in this 'failure' cycle.
i know some pple will be cursing me for saying im a failure when i gt a decent score of 3.5.
bt to me.. it's bad. from the grades that ive gotten.
they were far from what i expected.
i did not expect much
just a A- ... and i din even achieve it.
after every rounds of exams.
i will see everyone around me smiling when they gt their results
and i will be in a corner sighing over it.

i realised i have been sad more than im happy over the years.
since i entered JC.
sometimes i worry that i might just die suddenly from too much sadness.
a health consultant told me being happy is essential for good health.
and im sure that im v unhealthy now.
who doesnt want to be happy? i want to.
bt my mind doesnt want to.

missed my secondary school life
especially my lower secondary life.
and i know ive been v happy for that 2 years.
no stress over studies and grades. only fun and unity.
i hope i can return to that me one day.
i realli hope to..

talked on the phone with ks ytd nite.
and from the conversation i learnt alot from him.
i admired and was impressed with his way of tinking.
i know that the right way i shld think and behave.
instead of moaning and complaining.
i shld use the time to improve myself.
most imptly is that u have done ur best.
bt i just couldnt do it.. for now at least.
i will try. and im trying very hard.

arghh. i dunno what to say anymore.
just hope to cry out loud...

eating subway is no longer happy.
i miss tt smell.

take care.

i tot i could.
but i realised it's not easy.
i still couldnt welcome 2010 with the correct mood..
bt still, i hope it will be a better year for everyone ^^
thanks to all my frens who showed me many care and concern during this period =)

i will learn to be happy :) so that everyone around be will be happy too.

Happy 2010.

i wanna drink.


天鹅飞去永不回
浪子去头双人行
双木非林心相连
您若无心我爱谁