Thursday, January 7, 2010

Round 2A of bidding ended.
and i think i got none of my bidded modules.
bt i gt frustration and anger.
sat in front of the computer since like 10 o'clock.
and wad u saw was only the bid points of ur bidded modules rising.
300...400...500....
and u gt only 886 points.
and the 868 points was intended to bid 3 modules.
maybe due to my indecisiveness
i entered a low bid point, hoping that i might get it.
now when i tink of it.. i find myself v silly.hahahs
though the results are not out yet
bt i tink i need to get myself ready to appeal when round 3 starts

This is not the kind of life i expected.
flexible curriculum? fun sch life?
they are nothing but all lies!
u dun usually get to study what u want.
and new students like us have to end up studying shit modules.
1 week ago i planned my timetable..
i came up with like more than 5 combination of plans
bt when ive seen today's bidding stats.
i guess non of it is feasible.
i realli hate this. u sit and stare at the computer with nervousness for like >8 hours
and u end up getting nthing.
just because u din entered the wise amount of bid points.
if not the fuck it seniors throw thousands of points to outbid you.
i know everyone goes through this.
but is this fair?
somehow i regretted entering NUS..

ytd i went to look at the school's website.
and i realised im a dumbo.
not knowing that the ranking of your honours depends on ur CAP.
when i saw the information, i felt hot and my heart thumping very fast.
3.5 will only get u a Second Lower honours.
and if u are suay enough to get a 3.49. u get a damn it third class.
suddenly i feel hopeless.
yea i know it's just first semester.
and everyone tells me that can pull up my CAP next semester.
it's true. but is it guaranteed?
wad if i dun do well next semester? and im a goner.
maybe i shldnt aim that high.
just damn it finish this 3 years and say bye.

i realli hope i can be more optismistic..
thats my new year resolution okays. the first on the list.
bt sometimes things like this just made me feel v helpless.
like no one understands what u are going through...
only consoles which are basically not very useful to ease my agony.

this is not the life that i wanted.
not the life i expected.
i dunno what to do.
i could not quit school
i could not do well
im constantly stucked in this 'failure' cycle.
i know some pple will be cursing me for saying im a failure when i gt a decent score of 3.5.
bt to me.. it's bad. from the grades that ive gotten.
they were far from what i expected.
i did not expect much
just a A- ... and i din even achieve it.
after every rounds of exams.
i will see everyone around me smiling when they gt their results
and i will be in a corner sighing over it.

i realised i have been sad more than im happy over the years.
since i entered JC.
sometimes i worry that i might just die suddenly from too much sadness.
a health consultant told me being happy is essential for good health.
and im sure that im v unhealthy now.
who doesnt want to be happy? i want to.
bt my mind doesnt want to.

missed my secondary school life
especially my lower secondary life.
and i know ive been v happy for that 2 years.
no stress over studies and grades. only fun and unity.
i hope i can return to that me one day.
i realli hope to..

talked on the phone with ks ytd nite.
and from the conversation i learnt alot from him.
i admired and was impressed with his way of tinking.
i know that the right way i shld think and behave.
instead of moaning and complaining.
i shld use the time to improve myself.
most imptly is that u have done ur best.
bt i just couldnt do it.. for now at least.
i will try. and im trying very hard.

arghh. i dunno what to say anymore.
just hope to cry out loud...

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