pardon me.
But im feeling moody again..
and sad i guess...

i mixed up the test dates.
tml is not malay test...
the test is next week..
means i chionged my lsm revision ytd for nothing..
cux i wanted to squeeze out sunday for revision.. =((
bt i hope the test is tml instead.
cux i am having my lsm1103 test next friday (5th)
and lsm1104 test next next tue (9th)
so if i have my malay test next next week (8th)
means i gt to chiong 2 revision on this coming weekend..

hmm.
feel that im always not on form...
the whole body wasn't conditioned for school...
im like always confused over the schedule and dates and homeworks.
i almost went to a tutorial lesson 8am in the morning..
when the lesson start only in week 5.. and i dun know it..
always i have to check with my frens..
i tot i knew everything..
i planned everything nicely.
and end up everything was like.. so messy again..
like last min preparation due to mixed up schedules and stuffs.
maybe i need to buy a planner to record all my stuffs bah.
suddenly find myself v useless.
i dun have a life. (like forever sulking)
i dun have good grades (like always)
i have nothing when i come to think of it..
of cux i have friends la.. which was the most precious thing that i have other than my family.

i asked myself what i have achieved during 2009.
i guess it was my A level results, which wasnt tt glorious too..
and i passed my first driving attempt (with 18 demerit points)
that was the only 2 stuffs that i could tink of.
very pathetic right...
indeed they were achievements, but are not extremely good ones.. all boarder line ones.

felt like i wasted my life for the past...4 years?
maybe i was too conservative in doing things.
i cared too much about results.
i was too obsessed with studies.
and i neglected my passion and interests.
i gave up and forgo chances to pursue my interests and happiness.
i regretted the way i lived my life...
bt now i couldnt change the way i live..
cux uni is the last lap for me.. i dun have the courage to risk it.
and thus im stucked to this mundane and sucky life.

how do i continue from here?

yesterday went to yunli's house to do something for both shaun and addison.
planned to finish the work bt 12
bt end up we finished at 2am!!
cux of our slow speed..
and mingsheng was damn picky about the pHotos!
hence we spent alottttt of time picking the photos.
had fun at yunli's house.. though there were only 4 of us.
mingsheng, me, eugene and of cux yunli..
went mac to eat our.... supper cum dinner at 2+...
reached home at around 3+....
and i jux KO and slept.
intended to wake up early and study for tml's 'test'
and end up i dunno what to do now..
since there is no test tml...

i hope to make a change.

Wednesday.. yay..
went ah ma hse this morning.
then to amk cux dad wanted to buy new pants.
bought the casing for my iphone too.
and when i wanted to put the casing on, i realised there was a scratch on my phone already!
on the apple mirror picture behind the phone =(
shld have bought earlier la...cux cant find near my house.
those at singtel are so exp also....
reached home already 2+
and was kinda tired already..
wanted to study. bt feel so slpy..
arghh. like wasted another day again...

first CA coming soon
9th Feb.. essay question.. OMG.
i dunno how to prepare la.
she said is linking question.. lol

im so slpy.. shld i continue to force my self to read the notes?

feel like gathering with my friends and have a hearty talk with them =)
enjoyed the company like i always do... everytime, every second..
i miss my friends.
i miss the days.
i miss E2.
i guess soon bah!
cux shaun and addison is coming back.
and we shall be celebrating the Jan+ Feb babies birthdays!

Happy Birthday YongRui! :))

yay. it's weekend...
bt it doesnt mean slack...few reports and term papers to complete!
argh..shagged and tired.

went to meet the school psychologist cum counsellor on Thursday.
felt that i really need some help in terms of emotional and mind control.
at first i was quite reluctant to meet her face to face.. cux felt abit nervous.
But guess i made the right move to meet her =)
she was a nice lady, who let me cry and complain all i want.
and she provided me with advices and tips for studying.
though what she said were somehow similar to what my parents and friends told me.
But im more convinced when the words came out from her mouth.. Hah!
Indeed i felt better after speaking to her..
bt guess the confidence part has to depend on myself..
in still quite inconfident of the coming school tests and exams..
But overall i felt better and less stress =)

Thanks to all my friends who showed me great concern and patience during this down period.
i will try hard to make myself happier.
cux i realli want to be happy!

Good News!
i finally got a new phone.. iphone! yeah.
the 16GB one cost me..cost my dad 748 dollars...
felt abit bad to let my dad pay the full amount..
at first i suggest myself paying 200 dollars..
bt my dad gt upset for i dunno y.. and said either he pay all or i pay all.
so yea. i let him pay full amount lo..
the buying process was kind of embarrassing and pissed.
cux of my dad's temper and his talk big pattern..
But still im v happy that my Dad bought the phone for me..
i know his reason for buying me this phone..
he wants to cheer me up i guess..
cux i have been v depressed over studies for the past few weeks..
So yea..
thanks daddy :))

alrite. back to my revision.
Chinese kind of sucks.
But i will try to make it interesting.. i hope so..

yay! Shaun and Addison coming back soon!
And Happy Birthday Addison!

im feeling much better now.

a fren of mine told be that her dad had mild depression due to the stressful projects he had during work.
her dad is now okay after seeing a doctor and taking medicine..
and his symptoms were v similar to mine.
wondering if i am suffering from mild depression too?
shld i go and see a doctor?
i discussed with my mum ytd abt seeing a psychiatrist.
she just complained abt the cost and claimed that im ok and it's not necessary.
was kinda upset by her reply...
so i jux kept quiet and went back to my room.

had no school ytd and today.
tutorials have not commenced yet and my Wednesday off day..
din slack much...
have been studying the notes and reference book..
i realli hope my hard work can pay off this semester...

Happy Birthday Shumin and weishun!!
yay. 20 le right! 2 开头了!
when it's my turn.. it means the end of sem2!

hmm. improvement today..din cry..
bt still feeling abit moody.
ytd surfed the net and went to search for lifesci job prospects.
and i ended up crying again.
from what i saw in the forums.
lifescience degree = useless paper.
hard to find jobs. and most pple end up at NIE.
heart sank. once again... i worry for my future...
yea. still long.. 3 years?
i know... bt when u are constantly remind abt the useless paper that u are working hard for.
suddenly i feel unmotivated again.
wonder if i had chose the correct path to life..
and not struggling now for suvival.

realli envy of pple who are graduating soon.
yunli, qixia, weixiong, gene, etc...
i know u guys have ur hard times too..
and also endured 3 years.. maybe enjoyed 3 years?
jux feel happy for u guys that u all are finally gg to be 'released'
congrats!
not like me gg to endure at least 5 or even 7 more semesters.

shld i jux let go of everything?
jux lan lan study my stuffs...and fail or pass jux dun bother...
can go clubbing, go shopping, go slp without any worries.
dun go and care what is gg to happen in the future.
jux make sure im happy now?
i dun wish to see myself sulking too!

went to collect my bags from the seller today.
shopped awhile at AMK hub.
in the boutiques, i looked at myself in the mirror..
and i felt like ive grown 5.549022790 years older.
dry and dark complexion, shagged look. was kinda ugly i guess.
mum said ive grown thinner...
unlike during the 1 mth holiday when i had no worries...
i know my family are worried abt me.
my mum will call me after 2hrs when im out from house.
to make sure i din go commit suicide or do any silly things i guess.
hahahahs.
feel kinda guilty towards them too.
i passed my sorrows and problems to them.
dad spent so much money to send me to university.
and what ive given him is a lousy CAP and cryings abt school..
though he told me that as long as i tried my best it's ok..
bt if din get good results at the end of 3rd or 4th year. i know he will be disappointed too.



hmm.
u are getting further and further from me.
hard to reach u when i need u..
haiz..........

modules this semester is so screwed.
couldnt find a 5th module.
all my modules are memory based this semester.
haiz.
i dunno how im gg to survive leh..
feel like quitting school already...

at first quite happy cux is 3-4 days week.
bt i appeal for a module- foodsci that falls on my off days!
so become 5 days weeks.
so wed, thu and fri 1 lecture each day only...
wasted right. waste time travelling and transport fees.
but bo bian leh...
realli no modules to take already....

i couldnt help feeling stress every minute every second!
i dunno why too!
it's like.. jux the first week? and im already v kanchiong about everything.
guess is cux of previous sem results which made me v inconfident already.
bt i feel angry with myself.
wads with the stress and fast heartbeat that im having now?
exams is still long... why am i so nervous!!!!???
i dun wan to feel nervous. cux i know it will only affect my studies...
bt jiu v involuntarily heart beat v fast.
and feel hot and cold....
arghh.. i hate this feeling...

tt day i had a longggg talk with my parents tt night.
told them abt my studies and how i felt abt school..
cried like a baby in front of them...
my dad told me alot of stories and teach me alot of things.
and i realised that actually my parents din expect alot from me too.
it's me giving myself all the stress again.
after talking. i felt MUCH relieved.
bt dunno leh.
then next day, that feeling is back again. =.=

i wan to feel not so nervous.. HOW...
please..it's jux first week....................................
Loser.

of u dun want to read the same old complains again.
then please exit this window.hahah.
i dun want my complains to affect your emotions and mindsets. ^^
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
School started. again
Year 1. Semester 2.
dreaded. only 1 semester had passed. can u believe it?

Ever since i enter university.
i dun remember myself being happy.
for the past 1 week. i cried at least 3 times.
and had insomnia for the past 1 week or more.
jux involuntarily tinking of the things that im afraid of facing.

ytd i went crying to my mum again.
telling her the pressure that i felt... and how miserable i am now.
i felt v tired and scared.
i know that all the sufferings are caused by my character...
perfectionism, comparisons, and my pessimism..
i know the problem lies with me.. bt i jux cant change for the better.

i want to be happy.
i hope to be happy.
bt whenever i go to school.
i cant be happy.
cux my life jux revolves around stress and uncertainties.
what if i studied hard.
and at the end of the semester i flunked again?
ok i know i shldnt tink of all these when i haven even tried.
bt i jux cant help tinking.. got my point?
i want to stay optismistic. bt my mind jux couldnt.
i know it's wrong. bt i jux continue doing it..

my mum asked me to discussed with my dad about quitting school or what.
cux she said i became more shagged and sad ever since i entered uni.
im was like.. huh? u want me to quit sch?
i dun wish to quit school.
cux i know it will be a decision that i will regret for life.
bt i dunno how to make my school life happier.
join cca? make more friends?
i realli dunno..
bidding of modules already made me feel like crying for dunno how many times already.
CORS bidding realli sucks to the core.
so guys in NS or girls who are potential graduates. tink twice before u want to come to NUS.

this semester im taking 5 modules again.
2 bio core modules.
1 intro to psychology module (memorise the whole textbk!!!)
1 Malay Language Module.
and 1 Chinese module. (when i know they will be alot of China pple taking)

initially i planned to take a physics module to fulfill my faculty requirement.
bt this sem there are only 24 pple taking! as compared to 150+ last semester.
and the class is 8am in the morning.
and plus this module has lab lesson. so i felt kinda unsafe and sianned.
feels like it will be difficult to score when there are so little pple.
i asked many pple for opinion, bt i cant reach a conclusion.
since i have 2 frens taking the chinese modules.
and they kept persuading me to join them.. i agreed.
since i realli have no other modules to take.
cux of clashes, lack of points and availability.
find everything v screwed for me.
nthing seems to go smoothly.

is it realli true?
if u worked hard and tried your best
results dun realli matter.
cux u tried ur best.
if the same things happened to you?
will you really think and tell urself that? will u not be bothered by the results?

argh.. girls cramp.
i needa rest first. bth. =X

Round 2A of bidding ended.
and i think i got none of my bidded modules.
bt i gt frustration and anger.
sat in front of the computer since like 10 o'clock.
and wad u saw was only the bid points of ur bidded modules rising.
300...400...500....
and u gt only 886 points.
and the 868 points was intended to bid 3 modules.
maybe due to my indecisiveness
i entered a low bid point, hoping that i might get it.
now when i tink of it.. i find myself v silly.hahahs
though the results are not out yet
bt i tink i need to get myself ready to appeal when round 3 starts

This is not the kind of life i expected.
flexible curriculum? fun sch life?
they are nothing but all lies!
u dun usually get to study what u want.
and new students like us have to end up studying shit modules.
1 week ago i planned my timetable..
i came up with like more than 5 combination of plans
bt when ive seen today's bidding stats.
i guess non of it is feasible.
i realli hate this. u sit and stare at the computer with nervousness for like >8 hours
and u end up getting nthing.
just because u din entered the wise amount of bid points.
if not the fuck it seniors throw thousands of points to outbid you.
i know everyone goes through this.
but is this fair?
somehow i regretted entering NUS..

ytd i went to look at the school's website.
and i realised im a dumbo.
not knowing that the ranking of your honours depends on ur CAP.
when i saw the information, i felt hot and my heart thumping very fast.
3.5 will only get u a Second Lower honours.
and if u are suay enough to get a 3.49. u get a damn it third class.
suddenly i feel hopeless.
yea i know it's just first semester.
and everyone tells me that can pull up my CAP next semester.
it's true. but is it guaranteed?
wad if i dun do well next semester? and im a goner.
maybe i shldnt aim that high.
just damn it finish this 3 years and say bye.

i realli hope i can be more optismistic..
thats my new year resolution okays. the first on the list.
bt sometimes things like this just made me feel v helpless.
like no one understands what u are going through...
only consoles which are basically not very useful to ease my agony.

this is not the life that i wanted.
not the life i expected.
i dunno what to do.
i could not quit school
i could not do well
im constantly stucked in this 'failure' cycle.
i know some pple will be cursing me for saying im a failure when i gt a decent score of 3.5.
bt to me.. it's bad. from the grades that ive gotten.
they were far from what i expected.
i did not expect much
just a A- ... and i din even achieve it.
after every rounds of exams.
i will see everyone around me smiling when they gt their results
and i will be in a corner sighing over it.

i realised i have been sad more than im happy over the years.
since i entered JC.
sometimes i worry that i might just die suddenly from too much sadness.
a health consultant told me being happy is essential for good health.
and im sure that im v unhealthy now.
who doesnt want to be happy? i want to.
bt my mind doesnt want to.

missed my secondary school life
especially my lower secondary life.
and i know ive been v happy for that 2 years.
no stress over studies and grades. only fun and unity.
i hope i can return to that me one day.
i realli hope to..

talked on the phone with ks ytd nite.
and from the conversation i learnt alot from him.
i admired and was impressed with his way of tinking.
i know that the right way i shld think and behave.
instead of moaning and complaining.
i shld use the time to improve myself.
most imptly is that u have done ur best.
bt i just couldnt do it.. for now at least.
i will try. and im trying very hard.

arghh. i dunno what to say anymore.
just hope to cry out loud...

eating subway is no longer happy.
i miss tt smell.

take care.

i tot i could.
but i realised it's not easy.
i still couldnt welcome 2010 with the correct mood..
bt still, i hope it will be a better year for everyone ^^
thanks to all my frens who showed me many care and concern during this period =)

i will learn to be happy :) so that everyone around be will be happy too.

Happy 2010.

i wanna drink.


天鹅飞去永不回
浪子去头双人行
双木非林心相连
您若无心我爱谁