Happy Birthday Shumin and weishun!!
yay. 20 le right! 2 开头了!
when it's my turn.. it means the end of sem2!

hmm. improvement today..din cry..
bt still feeling abit moody.
ytd surfed the net and went to search for lifesci job prospects.
and i ended up crying again.
from what i saw in the forums.
lifescience degree = useless paper.
hard to find jobs. and most pple end up at NIE.
heart sank. once again... i worry for my future...
yea. still long.. 3 years?
i know... bt when u are constantly remind abt the useless paper that u are working hard for.
suddenly i feel unmotivated again.
wonder if i had chose the correct path to life..
and not struggling now for suvival.

realli envy of pple who are graduating soon.
yunli, qixia, weixiong, gene, etc...
i know u guys have ur hard times too..
and also endured 3 years.. maybe enjoyed 3 years?
jux feel happy for u guys that u all are finally gg to be 'released'
congrats!
not like me gg to endure at least 5 or even 7 more semesters.

shld i jux let go of everything?
jux lan lan study my stuffs...and fail or pass jux dun bother...
can go clubbing, go shopping, go slp without any worries.
dun go and care what is gg to happen in the future.
jux make sure im happy now?
i dun wish to see myself sulking too!

went to collect my bags from the seller today.
shopped awhile at AMK hub.
in the boutiques, i looked at myself in the mirror..
and i felt like ive grown 5.549022790 years older.
dry and dark complexion, shagged look. was kinda ugly i guess.
mum said ive grown thinner...
unlike during the 1 mth holiday when i had no worries...
i know my family are worried abt me.
my mum will call me after 2hrs when im out from house.
to make sure i din go commit suicide or do any silly things i guess.
hahahahs.
feel kinda guilty towards them too.
i passed my sorrows and problems to them.
dad spent so much money to send me to university.
and what ive given him is a lousy CAP and cryings abt school..
though he told me that as long as i tried my best it's ok..
bt if din get good results at the end of 3rd or 4th year. i know he will be disappointed too.



hmm.
u are getting further and further from me.
hard to reach u when i need u..
haiz..........

modules this semester is so screwed.
couldnt find a 5th module.
all my modules are memory based this semester.
haiz.
i dunno how im gg to survive leh..
feel like quitting school already...

at first quite happy cux is 3-4 days week.
bt i appeal for a module- foodsci that falls on my off days!
so become 5 days weeks.
so wed, thu and fri 1 lecture each day only...
wasted right. waste time travelling and transport fees.
but bo bian leh...
realli no modules to take already....

i couldnt help feeling stress every minute every second!
i dunno why too!
it's like.. jux the first week? and im already v kanchiong about everything.
guess is cux of previous sem results which made me v inconfident already.
bt i feel angry with myself.
wads with the stress and fast heartbeat that im having now?
exams is still long... why am i so nervous!!!!???
i dun wan to feel nervous. cux i know it will only affect my studies...
bt jiu v involuntarily heart beat v fast.
and feel hot and cold....
arghh.. i hate this feeling...

tt day i had a longggg talk with my parents tt night.
told them abt my studies and how i felt abt school..
cried like a baby in front of them...
my dad told me alot of stories and teach me alot of things.
and i realised that actually my parents din expect alot from me too.
it's me giving myself all the stress again.
after talking. i felt MUCH relieved.
bt dunno leh.
then next day, that feeling is back again. =.=

i wan to feel not so nervous.. HOW...
please..it's jux first week....................................
Loser.

of u dun want to read the same old complains again.
then please exit this window.hahah.
i dun want my complains to affect your emotions and mindsets. ^^
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School started. again
Year 1. Semester 2.
dreaded. only 1 semester had passed. can u believe it?

Ever since i enter university.
i dun remember myself being happy.
for the past 1 week. i cried at least 3 times.
and had insomnia for the past 1 week or more.
jux involuntarily tinking of the things that im afraid of facing.

ytd i went crying to my mum again.
telling her the pressure that i felt... and how miserable i am now.
i felt v tired and scared.
i know that all the sufferings are caused by my character...
perfectionism, comparisons, and my pessimism..
i know the problem lies with me.. bt i jux cant change for the better.

i want to be happy.
i hope to be happy.
bt whenever i go to school.
i cant be happy.
cux my life jux revolves around stress and uncertainties.
what if i studied hard.
and at the end of the semester i flunked again?
ok i know i shldnt tink of all these when i haven even tried.
bt i jux cant help tinking.. got my point?
i want to stay optismistic. bt my mind jux couldnt.
i know it's wrong. bt i jux continue doing it..

my mum asked me to discussed with my dad about quitting school or what.
cux she said i became more shagged and sad ever since i entered uni.
im was like.. huh? u want me to quit sch?
i dun wish to quit school.
cux i know it will be a decision that i will regret for life.
bt i dunno how to make my school life happier.
join cca? make more friends?
i realli dunno..
bidding of modules already made me feel like crying for dunno how many times already.
CORS bidding realli sucks to the core.
so guys in NS or girls who are potential graduates. tink twice before u want to come to NUS.

this semester im taking 5 modules again.
2 bio core modules.
1 intro to psychology module (memorise the whole textbk!!!)
1 Malay Language Module.
and 1 Chinese module. (when i know they will be alot of China pple taking)

initially i planned to take a physics module to fulfill my faculty requirement.
bt this sem there are only 24 pple taking! as compared to 150+ last semester.
and the class is 8am in the morning.
and plus this module has lab lesson. so i felt kinda unsafe and sianned.
feels like it will be difficult to score when there are so little pple.
i asked many pple for opinion, bt i cant reach a conclusion.
since i have 2 frens taking the chinese modules.
and they kept persuading me to join them.. i agreed.
since i realli have no other modules to take.
cux of clashes, lack of points and availability.
find everything v screwed for me.
nthing seems to go smoothly.

is it realli true?
if u worked hard and tried your best
results dun realli matter.
cux u tried ur best.
if the same things happened to you?
will you really think and tell urself that? will u not be bothered by the results?

argh.. girls cramp.
i needa rest first. bth. =X