hmm.

today's Chem CA1.
performance wasnt good i guess.
studied to the max. out of 7 days, i studied 6 days
even my dad asked me come out of my room to talk a walk =.=
questions aint that hard. mainly application questions.
bt i couldnt do them well.
probably due to nervousness bah. kinda disappointed.

sometimes i ask myself
wat's the point of studying so hard.
there are pple who can flip through the notes 1 day before the test and yet get high marks
while me mugging like a nerd kept flunking, everytime.
i start to doubt my own ability.
i feel inconfident.
i find it unfair.
i start to find myself stupid. (so wad if im a uni student now)
i dun wish to study anymore.
bt i cant bring myself to do that.
i hope i can.
so that i wun be so miserable now.

and another thing
i tend to compare too much.
COMPARE COMPARE COMPARE
i like to compare my results with others.
and the real result? i feel so sad. cux im usually the one with the worser marks.
this feeling wun go off until a day or two.

sometimes i hope i can have more positive tinking like some of my frens:
as long as they had tried their best, results aint tt impt.
they wun compare themselves with others.
they jux mind their own marks. good or bad it's for them to evaluate themselves.
they wun feel sad bcux their marks is lower than others.

i did tried to change my mindset.
bt again. i couldnt.
so
miserable again.

gg to sch is a chore to me.. tiring chore.
i feel so 'emtpy' in school. like w/o a soul.
no friends to play with
to chat and joke with
to discuss lectures and work
before i leave the house, im already hoping the day will end fast
dragging my feet to school and running back when school ends. lols, im just doing a contrast.
okays, maybe i din take initiative to make new frens
bt even now when i have a few new frens, i dun get to see them often
only during lab lessons which is like 2 times a week =.=
thats the bad thing about uni.
there is no fixed class. everybody juz wander around.

hmm.
realli miss the days
miss my frens
secondary sch frens
E2 frens
JC frens

if only i can go back to E2 days...
those days are the happiest days in my life up till now.
the jokes (mainly yellow)
the pranks and teases
the games
interclass competitions we participated together
afterschool basketball sessions and catching
celebrating festivals together
chalets
outings
post secondary outings.....
and many more to come i believe ^^

CRUISE!
arhhh...i wan go cruise.
bt seem like the NS guys cant take leave during December...
maybe postpone it?


it's juz 2 mths and im already so shagged and depressed
imagine 3 years, or 4 years
*struggle to survive*

i wonder y pple enjoy Uni life so much. they seem so happy
izit realli that fun? so fulfilling?
i dun tink so leh...
hhahahhs.

oh yea.
i went to buy TOTO last friday
shit them. not even a number match
i still thought i gt the chance to be the $9, 700, 000 winner -.-


TIRED
im realli tired.
inadequate slp. mental stress.
bless me.

想哭但是又不想哭出来
应为觉得这样的自己好柔弱

had my Bio LSM 1102 CA1 today
had prepared quite thoroughly for this test
read the notes and reference books since 3 days ago
although it's jux a 10m question

in the end?
i cant do any of the 2 questions
i realli cant do
thought of bits and pieces of the answers.
bt i doubt my own explanation and end up writing craps.
or leaving blanks.
and by the way. it's an open book exam.
im such a dumb tt i tried to tink of my own ans instead of referring more to the books and notes
guess im not used to opening books during exams

out of 10 marks.
i can be 99.999% sure tt i will get 0 marks
if not 1 mark.
if i get 3 marks and above, i will treat u MacDonald ice cream cone
to all those hu read this post, u can ask me for my marks after 1 week.

hmm. im not saying this in a joking mood hor...
im realli sad...
cux i know it's gg to be 0 marks for my CA1...which carries 10% weightage.
i know it may be not alot.
bt still it makes me sad tt my hardwork doesnt pay off.
once again.
and again.

first test in my uni.
and it's already like tt.
totally cushed both my confidence and ego i must say.
i tired to improve and change my studying method.
tried not to be so nervous and take tests with a relax mind.
bt still. it doesnt work..

deflated.
disappointed.
scared.

i though JC life is over.
no more extreme stress
no more failing of tests
no more heavy workload
Damn. everything is just my imagination....

maybe uni life is not suitable for me?
cux i seriously detest uni life..

angel..
help me...pls

<33.